The white sheet of hope

When I saw his face I knew it was too late. He was unresponsive with agonal respirations. He was blue. The kinda blue that you would find in a crayola box and not on a person. As I was intubating him I could see his young son standing in front of me. It was too soon for him to understand I could see it in his face. They never really get it until your wheeling their loved one away doing CPR. I hoped he could not see the sadness in my face. I stick to the protocols and stay straight faced but it still hurts to see pain in someones eyes. His dad was a fighter. All day he had been having indigestion. Or so that is what he thought. It proved to be something much more when he collapsed in the bathroom. The widow maker. A heart attack. His family pulled him out and began CPR. We worked him for the longest time. The entire trip to the hospital. Switching between shocking and medicating. I was his breath and the fireman his pulse. I think he was gone then. Once at the ER they worked him for over an hour and despite the fact he was a fighter (per the doppler because the pulse was weak) the doctor decided it wasn't enough. She called him. It was over. The sad part is is he still had what we call guppy breathing. Which means he looks like he is trying to breath on his own but its really just a reflex. Im not so sure but its not my choice. She said she didn't want the family to see it and and grabbed a sheet. I stared at that white sheet for an eternity. I hoped for some kind of movement. I secretly felt for a pulse....I knew it was too late. I guess I did not want to give up hope. I felt I owed the family that much.

We sometimes win

I just ran a call for a lady who was altered. We got to the house found her sitting in a chair. She was completely lost in her own thoughts! She had her family by her side and of course the firemen were already there too! They had not done much when they arrived. She didn't have any stroke symptoms. Nothing of interest on her 12-lead. We loaded her in the back. I got a small report from fire-asked her meds. They said Vicodin and bam it hit me! She took too much. I told the fireman he thought no....I gave the Narcan anyway cause its my ambulance and voila! Immediately awake, alert, and stating she had indeed taken Vicodin. I helped her. It might not be much for some but for me it was. I will not take small things like this for granted. Tonight I won!

How to not save a life

I had a call today for a frequent flier drug abuser. He was my age. A few years ago he tried to kill himself when his girlfriend dumped him....he jumped off a bridge and survived. Since then he has pain and he is addicted to narcotics. When we got to the scene the firemen were yelling at him for calling all the time. I was tired and was awakened from my nap and not in the mood for drama. They said he was giving his meds away to pay for rent. They said the police would meet us at the er. It didn't really matter he was still going.we loaded him up. I was impatient with him. I was annoyed too! He told my partner he was respectful and was appreciative of him. The doors closed. He asked for the radio and I told him no. People who call 9-1-1 don't need it. He freaked out when I turned the heater on and muttered about thinking it was the air and he was cold. I feel bad cause I really didn't care. I talked to him about insurance and he said he had none. Stated he paid with cash and I didn't believe him. When asked how he got home from the er he said his grandpa picked him up but would not drive him there. I remember his white socks....he had no shoes I asked why he said he can't wear them. His socks were not too dirty and I didn't believe him. He asked if I was done yelling at him. I guessed I was. We got to the er told the staff his story he was there 3 times over the weekend. He is a drug seeker. They offered him tordal while I was finishing paperwork. I guess he denied it cause by the time I came back he had left. I passed him on the way out and saw him on the phone.... Must have been calling grandpa. I don't think he answered because I saw him walking out a bit later. I never said another word to him.
Later on I ran into a friend who said he just ran a call for a guy who jumped off a bridge and killed himself. It was him.
I feel bad. I wish I had been nicer. I wish I had been more understanding. I wish I would have cared. I don't know what to think from here. It's hard to keep caring when they call nonstop for nothing.....but I think the way I feel now is harder. I keep thinking if only I would have tried harder to help him...to comfort him.....would it have helped? I don't know.
I saw the story on the news.....I saw the pictures....I saw the socks. I should have done more and forgot about the socks because they didn't matter. This call is making me feel sick.