IN HEAVEN
The Midnight stars are shining
on a lone and silent grave,
Beneath where sleeps the one I love
and whom I could not save.
You bode no one the last farewell
You could not say goodbye.
You were gone before I realized
and only God knows why.
Oh God, please take this message
To the one I love above
Tell her how I miss her
and give her all my love
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
The wreck on highway 109
"The Wreck on Highway 109"
A drunk man in an Oldsmobile they said had run the light
That caused the six-car pileup on 109 that night.
When broken bodies lay about and blood was everywhere,
The sirens screamed out elegies, for death was in the air.
A mother, trapped inside her car, was heard above the noise;
Her plaintive plea near split the air "Oh, God, please spare my boys!"
She fought to loose her pinioned hands; she struggled to get free,
But mangled metal held her fast in grim captivity.
Her frightened eyes then focused on where the backseat once had been,
But all she saw was broken glass and two children's seats crushed in.
Her twins were nowhere to be seen; she did not hear them cry,
And then she prayed they'd been thrown free, "Oh, God, don't let them die!"
Then firemen came and cut her loose, but when they searched the back,
They found therein no little boys, but the seat belts were intact.
They thought the woman had gone mad and was traveling alone,
But when they turned to question her, they discovered she was gone.
Policemen saw her running wild and screaming above the noise
In beseeching supplication, "Please help me find my boys!
They're four years old and wear blue shirts; their jeans are blue to match."
One cop spoke up, "They're in my car, and they don't have a scratch.
They said their daddy put them there and gave them each a cone,
Then told them both to wait for Mom to come and take them home.
I've searched the area high and low, but I can't find their dad.
He must have fled the scene, I guess, and that is very bad."
The mother hugged the twins and said, while wiping at a tear,
"He could not flee the scene, you see, for he's been dead a year."
The cop just looked confused and asked, "Now, how can that be true?"
The boys said, "Mommy, Daddy came and left a kiss for you."
He told us not to worry and that you would be all right,
And then he put us in this car with the pretty, flashing light.
We wanted him to stay with us, because we miss him so,
But Mommy, he just hugged us tight and said he had to go.
He said someday we'd understand and told us not to fuss,
And he said to tell you, Mommy, he's watching over us."
The mother knew without a doubt that what they spoke was true,
For she recalled their dad's last words, "I will watch over you."
The firemen's notes could not explain the twisted, mangled car,
And how the three of them escaped without a single scar.
But on the cop's report was scribed, in print so very fine,
An angel walked the beat tonight on Highway 109.
A drunk man in an Oldsmobile they said had run the light
That caused the six-car pileup on 109 that night.
When broken bodies lay about and blood was everywhere,
The sirens screamed out elegies, for death was in the air.
A mother, trapped inside her car, was heard above the noise;
Her plaintive plea near split the air "Oh, God, please spare my boys!"
She fought to loose her pinioned hands; she struggled to get free,
But mangled metal held her fast in grim captivity.
Her frightened eyes then focused on where the backseat once had been,
But all she saw was broken glass and two children's seats crushed in.
Her twins were nowhere to be seen; she did not hear them cry,
And then she prayed they'd been thrown free, "Oh, God, don't let them die!"
Then firemen came and cut her loose, but when they searched the back,
They found therein no little boys, but the seat belts were intact.
They thought the woman had gone mad and was traveling alone,
But when they turned to question her, they discovered she was gone.
Policemen saw her running wild and screaming above the noise
In beseeching supplication, "Please help me find my boys!
They're four years old and wear blue shirts; their jeans are blue to match."
One cop spoke up, "They're in my car, and they don't have a scratch.
They said their daddy put them there and gave them each a cone,
Then told them both to wait for Mom to come and take them home.
I've searched the area high and low, but I can't find their dad.
He must have fled the scene, I guess, and that is very bad."
The mother hugged the twins and said, while wiping at a tear,
"He could not flee the scene, you see, for he's been dead a year."
The cop just looked confused and asked, "Now, how can that be true?"
The boys said, "Mommy, Daddy came and left a kiss for you."
He told us not to worry and that you would be all right,
And then he put us in this car with the pretty, flashing light.
We wanted him to stay with us, because we miss him so,
But Mommy, he just hugged us tight and said he had to go.
He said someday we'd understand and told us not to fuss,
And he said to tell you, Mommy, he's watching over us."
The mother knew without a doubt that what they spoke was true,
For she recalled their dad's last words, "I will watch over you."
The firemen's notes could not explain the twisted, mangled car,
And how the three of them escaped without a single scar.
But on the cop's report was scribed, in print so very fine,
An angel walked the beat tonight on Highway 109.
Monday, November 8, 2010
A Cardiac Event (Rough draft for now)
Not sure why but over the last couple weeks whatever call I start with is the call I receive all day! Last week it was assault day......nothing to great happened all the same old bs. Today however happened to be Chest pain day. Every patient today had chest pain. 8 of our 10 calls were the same old drama. I am in pain it hurts so bad i rate it a 10....but than I am going to talk on my cell phone the whole way to the ER. So sick of that crap. If you are that sick or in that much pain that you need to take an ambulance get off the freaking phone!!!!!! Our first call that is actually worth writing about was a good one! We were called for a 65 year old male with a c/c of nausea. When we arrived 13 minutes later-because we were given the wrong address a man was sitting on the couch. He appeared calm and simply states I do not want to go. From the history i learned he has a hx of atrial fib. The man was adamant about not going-he had had nausea for 2 days and some of the bystaders ie:his friends had called us. The fireman doing the assessment explained to him it is okay if he does not wat to go but that he would need to sign a form releasing us of liability and if he died (which he would have) we are not held liable. He then proceeded to stand the man up to take another blood pressure. Upon standing the man still c/o nausea ad even joked around with one of the friends. His then said he felt really bad and if we wanted him to go he would go. We laid him down on the gurney placed the 12 lead patches on and bam. He went into a rhythm called Torsades de pointe-rare i should say-then into v-fib and then he was unresponsive. I immediately began CPR. I hate being the one to start cpr by the way----I really don't like hearing the initial rib crack. I deal with it though and move on. I switched places with another medic and was preparing to intubate. The patient to me seemed like he wanted to breat on his own and i could tell he had a gag reflex so i bagged him and waited on the tube. He was than defibrillated at 200 joules. Te fire medic wanted to cardiovert but he was in v-fib and since there were no p waves our brand new life pack 15's would not let him. So he defibrillated at 200 and that was that. The man immediately stopped breathing and that lasted about 2 minutes...the longest 2 minutes i might add. He then began to breath on his own. He opened his eyes and looked at me. I asked him how he was doing-but the answer was obvious. He spoke to me every few minutes or should i say i spoke to him. We brought him back and i was glad. We also obtained the 12-lead and he was having a stemi. We activated the stemi center and brought him in. Once in he was taken to the cath lab where he had a 90% block and coded 3 more times. All in all the guy made it and I am glad! So many times we have these patients and see them talking and we form a sort of bond with them and watchig them die sucks. Its different then having one that was not breathing when we arrive. I guess it is because we personalize it. Tommorow I am going to go see him. I hope he makes it over night!
Monday, October 4, 2010
God's Paramedic
The medic stood and faced God.
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his uniform was clean,
He'd gotten dressed kind of fast.
"Step forward now, paramedic.
How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek?
To my church have you been true?"
The medic squared his shoulders and said,
"No Lord I guess I ain't,
cause those of us who wade in blood,
can't always be a saint.
I've had to work most Sundays,
and at times my talk was tough.
And at times I've been violent,
cause the streets are awful rough.
But I never took a penny
that wasn't mine to keep...
although I worked a lot of overtime,
when the bills got far too steep.
And I never passed a cry for help,
though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God forgive me,
I wept unmanly tears.
I know I don't deserve a place
among the people here.
They never wanted me around,
except to calm their fears.
If you have a place for me, Lord,
It needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't I understand."
There was silence all around the throne,
where saints had often trod.
As there medic waited quietly
for the judgment of his God.
"Step forward now, paramedic.
You've borne your burdens well.
Walk peacefully on heavens streets.
You've done your time in hell."
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his uniform was clean,
He'd gotten dressed kind of fast.
"Step forward now, paramedic.
How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek?
To my church have you been true?"
The medic squared his shoulders and said,
"No Lord I guess I ain't,
cause those of us who wade in blood,
can't always be a saint.
I've had to work most Sundays,
and at times my talk was tough.
And at times I've been violent,
cause the streets are awful rough.
But I never took a penny
that wasn't mine to keep...
although I worked a lot of overtime,
when the bills got far too steep.
And I never passed a cry for help,
though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God forgive me,
I wept unmanly tears.
I know I don't deserve a place
among the people here.
They never wanted me around,
except to calm their fears.
If you have a place for me, Lord,
It needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you don't I understand."
There was silence all around the throne,
where saints had often trod.
As there medic waited quietly
for the judgment of his God.
"Step forward now, paramedic.
You've borne your burdens well.
Walk peacefully on heavens streets.
You've done your time in hell."
Why God made Paramedics
When God made paramedics, He was into His sixth day of overtime.
An angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."
God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?
A Paramedic has to be able to carry an injured person up a wet, grassy hill in the dark,
dodge stray bullets to reach a dying child unarmed,
enter homes the health inspector wouldn't touch,
and not wrinkle his uniform."
"He has to be able to lift three times his own weight.
Crawl into wrecked cars with barely enough room to move,
and console a grieving mother as
he is doing CPR on a baby he knows will never breathe again."
"He has to be in top mental condition at all times,
running on no sleep, black coffee and half-eaten meals,
and he has to have six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands...no way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God replied.
"It's the three pairs of eyes a medic has to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
God nodded. "One pair that sees open sores as he's drawing blood,
always wondering if the patient is HIV positive."
(When he already knows and wishes he'd taken that accounting job)
"Another pair here in the side of his head for his partner's safety.
And another pair of eyes here in front
that can look reassuringly at a bleeding victim and say,
"You'll be alright ma'am when he knows it isn't so."
"Lord," said the angel, touching His sleeve, "rest and work on this tomorrow."
"I can't," God replied.
"I already have a model that can talk a 250 pound
drunk out from behind a steering wheel
without incident and feed a family of five on a private service paycheck."
The angel circled the model of the Paramedic very slowly.
"Can it think?" she asked.
"You bet", God said.
"It can tell you the symptoms of 100 illnesses;
recite drug calculations in it's sleep;
intubate, defibrillate, medicate, and continue CPR
nonstop over terrain that any doctor would fear...
and it still keeps it's sense of humor."
"This medic also has phenomenal personal control.
He can deal with a multi-victim trauma,
coax a frightened elderly person to unlock their door,
comfort a murder victim's family,
and then read in the daily paper how Paramedics were
unable to locate a house quickly enough,
allowing the person to die.
A house that had no street sign, no house numbers, no phone to call back."
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the Paramedic.
"There's a leak," she pronounced.
"I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model."
"That's not a leak," God replied, "It's a tear."
"What's the tear for?" asked the angel.
"It's for bottled up emotions,
for patients they've tried in vain to save,
for commitment to that hope
that they will make a difference in a person's chance to survive, for life."
"You're a genius!" said the angel.
God looked somber.
"I DIDN'T PUT IT THERE" He said.
Author Unknown
An angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."
God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?
A Paramedic has to be able to carry an injured person up a wet, grassy hill in the dark,
dodge stray bullets to reach a dying child unarmed,
enter homes the health inspector wouldn't touch,
and not wrinkle his uniform."
"He has to be able to lift three times his own weight.
Crawl into wrecked cars with barely enough room to move,
and console a grieving mother as
he is doing CPR on a baby he knows will never breathe again."
"He has to be in top mental condition at all times,
running on no sleep, black coffee and half-eaten meals,
and he has to have six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands...no way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God replied.
"It's the three pairs of eyes a medic has to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
God nodded. "One pair that sees open sores as he's drawing blood,
always wondering if the patient is HIV positive."
(When he already knows and wishes he'd taken that accounting job)
"Another pair here in the side of his head for his partner's safety.
And another pair of eyes here in front
that can look reassuringly at a bleeding victim and say,
"You'll be alright ma'am when he knows it isn't so."
"Lord," said the angel, touching His sleeve, "rest and work on this tomorrow."
"I can't," God replied.
"I already have a model that can talk a 250 pound
drunk out from behind a steering wheel
without incident and feed a family of five on a private service paycheck."
The angel circled the model of the Paramedic very slowly.
"Can it think?" she asked.
"You bet", God said.
"It can tell you the symptoms of 100 illnesses;
recite drug calculations in it's sleep;
intubate, defibrillate, medicate, and continue CPR
nonstop over terrain that any doctor would fear...
and it still keeps it's sense of humor."
"This medic also has phenomenal personal control.
He can deal with a multi-victim trauma,
coax a frightened elderly person to unlock their door,
comfort a murder victim's family,
and then read in the daily paper how Paramedics were
unable to locate a house quickly enough,
allowing the person to die.
A house that had no street sign, no house numbers, no phone to call back."
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the Paramedic.
"There's a leak," she pronounced.
"I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model."
"That's not a leak," God replied, "It's a tear."
"What's the tear for?" asked the angel.
"It's for bottled up emotions,
for patients they've tried in vain to save,
for commitment to that hope
that they will make a difference in a person's chance to survive, for life."
"You're a genius!" said the angel.
God looked somber.
"I DIDN'T PUT IT THERE" He said.
Author Unknown
Friday, August 13, 2010
EMS POEM
EMS POEM
Sorry, if we woke you in the middle of the night,
But someone in your neighborhood was fighting for their life.
Sorry, if we block the road and make you turn around,
But there's a bad wreck with people dying on the ground.
When you see us coming, we hope you'll understand
Lets us have the right-of-way, someone needs our helping hand.
Sometimes a person is choking, sometimes a broken leg,
Sometimes a heart stops beating
And when we get there, it's too late.
So if you see us crying, when we think that we're alone
You'll know we had a "bad one" and were feeling mighty down.
You ask us why we do it?
"How can you watch a child die?
It's never very easy, but we'll try to tell you why.
We don't do it for the money; you see, we don't get paid.
We don't do it for the glory, but for the life that might be saved.
Somewhere deep within us, our souls are crying out.
We are here to help our neighbors in their hours of pain and doubt.
God gave us something special, to help us see you through,
We do it because we love you, and care about you, too.
Sorry, if we woke you in the middle of the night,
But someone in your neighborhood was fighting for their life.
Sorry, if we block the road and make you turn around,
But there's a bad wreck with people dying on the ground.
When you see us coming, we hope you'll understand
Lets us have the right-of-way, someone needs our helping hand.
Sometimes a person is choking, sometimes a broken leg,
Sometimes a heart stops beating
And when we get there, it's too late.
So if you see us crying, when we think that we're alone
You'll know we had a "bad one" and were feeling mighty down.
You ask us why we do it?
"How can you watch a child die?
It's never very easy, but we'll try to tell you why.
We don't do it for the money; you see, we don't get paid.
We don't do it for the glory, but for the life that might be saved.
Somewhere deep within us, our souls are crying out.
We are here to help our neighbors in their hours of pain and doubt.
God gave us something special, to help us see you through,
We do it because we love you, and care about you, too.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Stars
“Perhaps
they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our
lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are
happy.”
Friday, August 6, 2010
Drowning
If anyone read my last post you will be pretty surprised to now that the next day I got a call for a 1 year old drowning. The second we got the call I knew it was meant for me. I just was in complete shock. I had to look at the address about 10 times to make sure it wasn't for my own 1 year old child. It was in the same city I live in and only 2 streets away. The call was for a little girl. She reminded me of Brady. Blond hair and the same size. When we got there one of the firemen ran up and told us to grab a pediatric board. He appeared extremely distraught. My heart was racing as I grabbed the board and proceeded to the pool area. When I seen the little girl I tried the best I could to retain my composure. All I could think about was saving her. I wanted to see her open her eyes and I wanted to hear her laughter. All I could hear was her poor moms cries. It was an accident-all over being overcharged for pizza. She only looked away for a second...Just the way it seems to happen in the news daily. But this time she was lucky. She grabbed her baby out of the spa and started CPR and it worked! She brought her back. And now what I was looking at was an unconscious vomiting little girl. She looked bad but she was alive. We got her on the peds board and she continued vomiting-and I continued turning the board sideways so she would not aspirate. As we were en route to the ER her pulsox dropped quite a bit so I assisted her ventilations with a BVM. It worked and started to bring her sats back up. By the time we got to the Er she was doing much better. Not quite alert yet though. A traumatic experience takes a long time to recover from. Once at the Er I found out this wasn't just any little girl, this was an Er nurses grand daughter-someone I have known for quite a few years. Wow was I in shock to learn that. She cried and I held it in but I wanted to cry too for her-I hate to see people sad. after they had stabilized her they let her hold her. She sang to her. I stood by them and quietly filled out my paperwork. I was comforted by her singing. She lived-She went home a few days later. I am very happy the way this played out. I felt like I was in a euphoric state for the next week. Definitely a different feeling from what I have been used to for the last few months. Watching someone live is such a drastic change from watching someone die. I am so very happy that God chose for her to stay. I needed to see that everything isn't always bad. God knew what I needed to help heal me and I am so greatful for him.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
It's okay to cry
"Be encouraged. God sees your tears. Cry them, wipe them, feel them, but don't let them stop you. Its possible to cry AND walk." -Kelly Minter
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Another day
I worked yesterday 4 am to 4pm. It was a pretty easy day. First call was a man with liver cirrhosis. He was the yellowest man I have ever seen. He truly looked as if he has a spray tan go bad with expired spray :( The other call we had was for a traumatic injury. Two kids were in the parents room and the mom heard a loud crash and came out to find her dresser and large flat screen television has fallen onto the kids. The boy was 3 and he was basically fine. His leg was only stuck and he had a little pain. The girl wasn't that bad either but she was worse. The tv had fallen on her back and neck and she had some pretty good swelling and a laceration to her neck. She cried a lot on scene and en route to the Er fell asleep. They were both very lucky. All to often these random occurence's can be fatal. When we got to the hospital we walked in with a detective and a coroner...When we continued toPeds they followed along. They were there to pick up a baby who had died. It still is bothersome to me even if it wasn't my transport. As I walked by the room the infant lay in I could see the tiny frame of him under the sheet. I had to get out of there. In the last few months I have had all I can take of Death. Especially of the very young. Sometimes it makes me wonder how long I am going to be able to handle it as well as I do. I have had parents of the kids I tried to save stare at me and beg me to save their "baby" All to often I have to continuously remind myself it's not my emergency. But even so I still do so with tears in my eyes. I have all to often sat in Er bays in with tears streaming down my face....I am not sure if this kind of pain ever truly goes away. The hardest part about helping others is knowing when to stop helping them and when start to help yourself. I also have heard of a lot of drownings lately. I being a mother just can't take much more of hearing of them. I literally look at a pool and want to vomit when I think of my own baby. I have definitely realized no matter what that I will never have a large pool as long as I have a child who can't swim. Maybe my job has made me paranoid....maybe that's not a bad thing. I work 3 shifts next week. I pray that God goes easy on me for a little while. I know that they say that God will not give you more then you can handle but sometimes I wish he wouldn't trust me soo much!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Kitty
I am pretty sad today. I found out that our cat named Kitty has died. I guess maybe talking a little about might make me feel better so I guess I will try to remember the good things and annoying things she used to do. You would think me being the big bed Paramedic I am LOL. I would not be so hurt. But Kitty was my first pet and my friend. I adopted Kitty from the pound when she was just a baby. I always wanted a pet and never truly liked cats but I lived in an apartment and hadn't much choice so off I went to the shelter to find a friend. I looked at all the kittens and none really stood out to me. I went to the front and asked if they had any more. The lady told me she actually did and it was a baby girl that she cared for in her home and would just about ready to be adopted. She said her name was Rocky. I met Kitty and at once I knew she was the one for me and so I adopted her and took her home. I always wanted a snuggly pet and it's funny because Kitty just wasn't a snuggler :) I accepted it. Kitty and me had a love/hate relationship form the beginning. She shed everywhere, she clawed my new chair, she ruined countless screens but even though I still loved her. We moved a few times with Kitty and every time she just accepted the new location. She never really complained and never ran away. She knew we were her family. We also had a bearded dragon for awhile and a funny kinda traumatizing story happened one day when kitty tried to get the dragon. I caught her a yelled and she jumped up the screen and then the screen fell off. Kitty fell 2 stories and landed in a bush. She was okay. It was one of the only night she slept in her cat bed. We lived in places I worried about her getting hit by a car but it never happened. We worried about her getting in someones car and them accidently taking her away but that to never happened. The last time Kitty was missing was for about 24 hour and I found her in my car. She had even tried to claw her way out......the claw marks still remain. Well recently since we have moved Kitty has not done to much. She has matured from the scratching and had become a real devoted companion. We even took her to audition for the meow mix cat show. I could say her name 50 times and she always replied with a raspy little "meow". She rarely went outside and when she did it was either in the garage or on the porch. Which is why I am soo saddened with the way she died. Our neighbor and a coworker of mine found her in his yard. She was obviously attacked by what was probably a coyote. Not much was left. I don't even know where her collar is.....I miss her soo much. I found a couple poems i thought might make me feel a little better.
I will always love and miss my Kitty Precious Rip-July 12 2010
Last Night
I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying, You found it hard to sleep.
I meowed to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today, Your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care.
I want to re-assure you, that I'm not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said " it's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It's possible for me, to be so near you everyday.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning
and say "good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.
To Love Again
Oh what unhappy twist of fate
Has brought you homeless to my gate,
The gate where once another stood
To beg for shelter warmth and food?
For from that day I ceased to be
The master of my destiny,
While she, with purr and velvet paw
Became within my house the law.
She scratched the furniture and shed
And claimed the middle of my bed,
She ruled in arrogance and pride
And broke my heart the day she died.
So if you really think, oh cat
I'd willingly relive all that,
Because you come forlorn and thin
Well don't just stand there - come on in!I will always love and miss my Kitty Precious Rip-July 12 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
On the edge
Okay yesterday was like the longest day at work....EVER. We were on our way to a call and while going to the call there was a detour sign where the road obviously didn't go through due to construction. As we are driving the "detour" we suddenly realized we were in a full on construction zone....As we were looking for a place to turn around we had 2 options. go up or go down. To me up seemed the reasonable explanation and there was only one way we could go over and exit out. My partner however a new EMT decided he was not going to listen to me and took the other route. As we started to go that way I realized that on both edges of the small man made road we were on were pretty steep. I told him to stay in the middle and we would be fine. He was going to fast at least in my opinion and veered right and into the soft sand we went. I really thought we were going to roll. And to make matters worse our ambulance was brand spanken new....2010! Anyway we were able to both exit safely through the driver side door. Which took me about 5 minutes to get the guts to do it. I really though if i moved we were going over.....I had no choice i took off my seat belt and escaped :) After getting out I realized the two driver side tires were 6 inches off the ground. If an earthquake hit it Probably would have went over. We then sat there for 2 hours waiting for the tow truck and another 1 1/2 waiting for the tow truck man attempt to pull it out. He was even scared of tipping it. Needless to say I learned my lesson and I will never again attempt to detour on a dirt road!! We were out there so long I got a sunburn!!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Butterfly
In time past then future death can't tell what color skin, shape, nor size an individual has in life. It never matters what you do, where you live, who you help, or who you love.
There were may butterflies in one area of a flower, all different from one another, but bleed the same also die the same. One butterfly wanted to get to know another but the other butterfly was many of colors in which treated the other badly. The butterfly which had no color flew away very sad. Knowing this feeling in life, she knew the best place to be is in mother's arms. Which the sad butterfly went, as the mother explained that all other in the world have different outlooks on new things in life, and that no matter what's been said or the nose of the other in the air. Just remember they are the one's lacking something in their life. Now go and play my beautiful butterfly. I can't pretend these tears are not overflowing steadily. I can't prevent this hurt from almost overtaking me. But will stand and say goodbye. For you will never be mine until you know the way it feels to fly. Spread your wings and prepare to fly for you have become a butterfly. Fly into the sky and if you should return to me we were truly meant to be. So spread your wings and fly butterfly. When you love someone so deeply they become they become your life. It's easy to succumb to the overwhelming fears inside. Blindly I imagined I could keep you under glass. Now I understand to hold you, I must open my hands and watch you rise.I have learned that beauty has to flourish in the light. Wild horses run unbridled or their spirit dies. You have given me the courage to be all that I can be, and I truly feel your heart will lead you back to me. When your ready to land. So flutter through the heavens beautiful butterfly.
There were may butterflies in one area of a flower, all different from one another, but bleed the same also die the same. One butterfly wanted to get to know another but the other butterfly was many of colors in which treated the other badly. The butterfly which had no color flew away very sad. Knowing this feeling in life, she knew the best place to be is in mother's arms. Which the sad butterfly went, as the mother explained that all other in the world have different outlooks on new things in life, and that no matter what's been said or the nose of the other in the air. Just remember they are the one's lacking something in their life. Now go and play my beautiful butterfly. I can't pretend these tears are not overflowing steadily. I can't prevent this hurt from almost overtaking me. But will stand and say goodbye. For you will never be mine until you know the way it feels to fly. Spread your wings and prepare to fly for you have become a butterfly. Fly into the sky and if you should return to me we were truly meant to be. So spread your wings and fly butterfly. When you love someone so deeply they become they become your life. It's easy to succumb to the overwhelming fears inside. Blindly I imagined I could keep you under glass. Now I understand to hold you, I must open my hands and watch you rise.I have learned that beauty has to flourish in the light. Wild horses run unbridled or their spirit dies. You have given me the courage to be all that I can be, and I truly feel your heart will lead you back to me. When your ready to land. So flutter through the heavens beautiful butterfly.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Tired of doing nothing all day
Longest weekend ever!! Not sure why maybe the fact that we sat at home ALL day and did nothing! Oh well at least I caught up on all my shows. I have to work tomorrow. I hope it will be an easy stress free day. I do however have to wake up at 3:30 am. It kinda gets tough to sleep though when I know I don't have long to do so. I guess I will make the most of it and hey you never know sometimes I go in to work and get to sleep most of the morning. It is however while my partner is driving around in countless circles because Mike is dispatching :) I won't complain though sleep is sleep and having a 1 year old I am used to waking at the crack of dawn! Well I am rambling now so I guess I better try to get to bed. Wish me luck tomorrow I definitely will need it.....for some reason I have a dark cloud that follows me once I get to work.
Anthoer poem
Sorry if we woke you in the middle of the night but someone in your neighborhood is fighting for their life. Sorry if we block the road and make you turn around but there's been a bad wreck with dying children on the ground. When you see us coming you'll understand. Let us have the right of way someone needs a helping hand. Sometimes a child is chocking sometimes a broken leg. Sometimes a heart stops beating, and we got there to late. So if you see us crying when we think we are alone you'll know we had a "bad" one and were feeling mighty low. We don't do it for the money - you know it's not much that we get paid. We don't do it for the glory but for a life that might get saved. Somewhere deep within us our souls are crying out "We are here to help our neighbors in their hour of pain and doubt." God gave us something special to help us see you through, we do it because we are needed and we care about you too.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Broken Heart
Today i met a man and today i watched him die. i sat with his 15 year old son for over an hour and tried to comfort him. He didn't know he was dead. I knew he was laying lifeless in the next room as the doctors and nurses were pounding on his chest. It was too late I already knew from the moment we moved him on the hospital bed and his heart stopped i knew it was his end...they rarely come back from that and no matter how many prayers I said the 37 year old man was dead. The call was for a man with chest pain at the park we arrived pretty quickly right behind the Ontario engine. The man was sitting in a chair around some friends. He was pale and very sweaty. He had been playing basketball...he was not very big. I complained to my partner when we received he call. I hate chest pain calls usually. The are almost always very overweight and usually are fine. When I saw him I knew something was wrong. On the calls like these is when it all goes wrong. Poor iv attempt. So diaphoretc the patches wont stick.....and his friends so loud echoing our ears in the backround. We had to leave. We took his son because he was alone, his last time with his dad alive. We tried our best to treat him and comfort him the best we knew how. He just wasn't comfortable...he was dying...He threw up everywhere even on my watch but even with impending death he was apologetic. All I know of him I learned as I watched him die. He cared about his looks..I cleaned the throw up off his face...He never asked if he was going to die..they often do I hate to admit it I was glad he didn't ask. I looked for his kids later they handled it well. they were very young it was hard on me to watch him die I'm not sure why. I had to hold back tears as a watched his son hear the news the Dr gave him the news I didn't want to give.....his dad was dead...sometimes you do all you can and they die anyway.
Paramedic Poem
When the Lord made EMT's and Paramedics, he was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."
And the Lord said, "Have you read the specs on this order? An EMS provider has to be able to carry an injured person up a wet, grassy hill in the dark, dodge stray bullets to reach a dying child unarmed, enter homes the health inspector wouldn't touch, and not wrinkle their uniform."
"They have to be able to lift 3 times their own weight, crawl into wrecked cars with barely enough room to move, and console a grieving mother as they are doing CPR on a baby they know will never breathe again."
"They have to be in top mental condition at all times, running on no sleep, black coffee and half-eaten meals. And they have to have six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands...no way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord, "It's the three pairs of eyes a medic has to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
The Lord nodded. "One pair that sees open sores as they're drawing blood and asks the patient if they may be HIV positive," (when they already know and wish they'd taken that accounting job.) Another pair here in the side of the head for their partners' safety. And another pair of eyes here in front that can look supportively at a frightened person and gently explain that their spouse of many years has departed this life."
"Lord," said the angel, touching his sleeve, "rest and work on this tomorrow."
"I can't," said the Lord, "I already have a model that can talk a 250 pound drunk out from behind a steering wheel without incident and feed a family of five on a private service paycheck."
The angel circled the model of the medic very slowly, "Can it think?" she asked.
"You bet," said the Lord. "It can tell you the symptoms of 100 illnesses; recite drug calculations in its sleep; intubate, defibrillate, medicate, and continue CPR nonstop over terrain that any doctor would fear...and still it keeps its sense of humor. This medic also has phenomenal personal control. He can deal with a multi-victim trauma, coax a frightened elderly person to unlock their door, comfort an assault victim's family, and then read an article in the daily paper about responders being too slow to locate a house (a house which had no street sign and no house numbers.)"
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the medic. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model."
"That's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."
"What's the tear for?" asked the angel.
"It's for bottled-up emotions, for patients they've tried in vain to save, for commitment to that hope that they will make a difference in a person's chance to survive, for seeing an accident victim walk again, for the family time they will miss while serving the community, for life."
"You're a genius," said the angel.
The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there," He said.
And the Lord said, "Have you read the specs on this order? An EMS provider has to be able to carry an injured person up a wet, grassy hill in the dark, dodge stray bullets to reach a dying child unarmed, enter homes the health inspector wouldn't touch, and not wrinkle their uniform."
"They have to be able to lift 3 times their own weight, crawl into wrecked cars with barely enough room to move, and console a grieving mother as they are doing CPR on a baby they know will never breathe again."
"They have to be in top mental condition at all times, running on no sleep, black coffee and half-eaten meals. And they have to have six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands...no way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord, "It's the three pairs of eyes a medic has to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
The Lord nodded. "One pair that sees open sores as they're drawing blood and asks the patient if they may be HIV positive," (when they already know and wish they'd taken that accounting job.) Another pair here in the side of the head for their partners' safety. And another pair of eyes here in front that can look supportively at a frightened person and gently explain that their spouse of many years has departed this life."
"Lord," said the angel, touching his sleeve, "rest and work on this tomorrow."
"I can't," said the Lord, "I already have a model that can talk a 250 pound drunk out from behind a steering wheel without incident and feed a family of five on a private service paycheck."
The angel circled the model of the medic very slowly, "Can it think?" she asked.
"You bet," said the Lord. "It can tell you the symptoms of 100 illnesses; recite drug calculations in its sleep; intubate, defibrillate, medicate, and continue CPR nonstop over terrain that any doctor would fear...and still it keeps its sense of humor. This medic also has phenomenal personal control. He can deal with a multi-victim trauma, coax a frightened elderly person to unlock their door, comfort an assault victim's family, and then read an article in the daily paper about responders being too slow to locate a house (a house which had no street sign and no house numbers.)"
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the medic. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model."
"That's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."
"What's the tear for?" asked the angel.
"It's for bottled-up emotions, for patients they've tried in vain to save, for commitment to that hope that they will make a difference in a person's chance to survive, for seeing an accident victim walk again, for the family time they will miss while serving the community, for life."
"You're a genius," said the angel.
The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there," He said.
Motorcycle Down
Now I shall tell you the story of the man I killed. We received the call to a motorcycle down. We arrived on scene to find the man halfway under a car. Apparently he decided he was going to drive around the turning car as he was coming down from the mountain. Well the car turned left and he hit it. He was going way too fast. He never had a chance. But I wished he did. I wanted to save him. I wanted him to thank me and most of all I wanted to not feel the way I did six months after he died. We got him out of under the car. I particularly remember the BLS firemen asking me what I wanted to do and I said lets get him out. He immediately turned to me and said I cant breath. On his face he wore a pediatric non rebreathing mask I switched it to an adult. It didn't really matter. He kept yelling at me I cant breath over and over. I began working on him. I started an iv. The cop came over and asked to talk to him I told him you can try and he was incomprehensible. I began to breath for him. I watched him speak his last words and I watched him take his last breath. I intubated him. I started a needle thoracostomy which in lay mans terms is a needle in his chest that enters his lung to relieve pressure. His lungs were full of blood. The blood ran up his intubation tube and he didn't have a chance His heart stopped beating. We began CPR. He never came back. He drowned in his own blood. At the hospital we found his id and illegal drugs in his pocket he was only 42. I didn't kill him he killed himself.
The start of My Paramedic book
Today I ran a suicide. A 41 year old man dove face first off a bridge. How very sad he must have been to be able to dive off a bridge. How much emptiness did he possess in his soul? Will somebody miss him or is he all alone. Maybe still trying to get over the death of someone else. Someone he loved. A child, a wife, or maybe a mother. He probably died on impact. Someone witnessed it to. What drove his life to this? Was he a father? Did he have a brother? He was someone's son. He is dead now I bet he already made it to the morgue. Who will tell his family? Did he have a family? Does it matter anymore at all? Who will make his funeral arrangements will they bury him or cremate him. Will they be able to afford it? Does it really matter the fact is he is dead.
This is the question I ask myself everyday working as a paramedic. It's supposed to be a heroic job. I mean saving lives. But do we really save anybody or do we scar ourselves. The wounded taking care of the wounded. Will i ever forget what I saw today. A man laying in a wash face down with blood draining from his head. The worst part is I wanted to see it. Does that make me morbid? Maybe but isn't everyone in this field.. My partner was just as interested. We tried to take pictures but who wants to see that. We do but we already did we were there. But the question I really want to know is did he see us? Maybe he was a ghost standing on the bridge watching us pull his broken body away from the water that potentially washed away his soul.
Being a paramedic is a busy job it's a long job its grueling and we miss meals and miss sleep and we miss our families. We spent hours sitting in parking lots and in hospital bays. I cant tell you have many times I hear everyday you are on bed delay. Can you imagine sitting in an er for 3 hours while your patient who has toe pain and whines and demands treatment. Oh the headache. Sometimes you just want to say shut up. But we cant cause we care and it is our job. But sometimes after you watch somebody die you don't care if someone stubbed there to last week. You want the day to end. Then it gets worse when you get that call 30 minutes before your off time and its for a trauma. You know your going far and you know it will be a mess. You also know you will pick up the pieces. But who will pick up your pieces when you potentially pass out of sleep deprivation. Just kidding. I only work 12 hour shifts.
Most the time I work with the same person everyday. Everyday for 12 hours in the cab of a van. Sometimes you get lucky and get a good partner. Other times you work with one of satan's demons. Will they drive to fast or to slow? Sometimes I wonder how I get there alive or get there at all. I try to have patience I don't have a lot but I try. But when I hear that same song on the radio for the fifth time cause its there favorite its takes everything not to scream or shoot them.
Tell me what you think of this as the start of a book
An online sorta diary
I decided to open a blog because I need a sort of outlet. I have been under a lot of stress lately and feel my job might have a lot to do with it. I think it gets tougher the more years you are a Paramedic....I mean I have seen so much sadness and heartache. Maybe this will allow me to learn to deal with it better :)
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