The white sheet of hope

When I saw his face I knew it was too late. He was unresponsive with agonal respirations. He was blue. The kinda blue that you would find in a crayola box and not on a person. As I was intubating him I could see his young son standing in front of me. It was too soon for him to understand I could see it in his face. They never really get it until your wheeling their loved one away doing CPR. I hoped he could not see the sadness in my face. I stick to the protocols and stay straight faced but it still hurts to see pain in someones eyes. His dad was a fighter. All day he had been having indigestion. Or so that is what he thought. It proved to be something much more when he collapsed in the bathroom. The widow maker. A heart attack. His family pulled him out and began CPR. We worked him for the longest time. The entire trip to the hospital. Switching between shocking and medicating. I was his breath and the fireman his pulse. I think he was gone then. Once at the ER they worked him for over an hour and despite the fact he was a fighter (per the doppler because the pulse was weak) the doctor decided it wasn't enough. She called him. It was over. The sad part is is he still had what we call guppy breathing. Which means he looks like he is trying to breath on his own but its really just a reflex. Im not so sure but its not my choice. She said she didn't want the family to see it and and grabbed a sheet. I stared at that white sheet for an eternity. I hoped for some kind of movement. I secretly felt for a pulse....I knew it was too late. I guess I did not want to give up hope. I felt I owed the family that much.

We sometimes win

I just ran a call for a lady who was altered. We got to the house found her sitting in a chair. She was completely lost in her own thoughts! She had her family by her side and of course the firemen were already there too! They had not done much when they arrived. She didn't have any stroke symptoms. Nothing of interest on her 12-lead. We loaded her in the back. I got a small report from fire-asked her meds. They said Vicodin and bam it hit me! She took too much. I told the fireman he thought no....I gave the Narcan anyway cause its my ambulance and voila! Immediately awake, alert, and stating she had indeed taken Vicodin. I helped her. It might not be much for some but for me it was. I will not take small things like this for granted. Tonight I won!

How to not save a life

I had a call today for a frequent flier drug abuser. He was my age. A few years ago he tried to kill himself when his girlfriend dumped him....he jumped off a bridge and survived. Since then he has pain and he is addicted to narcotics. When we got to the scene the firemen were yelling at him for calling all the time. I was tired and was awakened from my nap and not in the mood for drama. They said he was giving his meds away to pay for rent. They said the police would meet us at the er. It didn't really matter he was still going.we loaded him up. I was impatient with him. I was annoyed too! He told my partner he was respectful and was appreciative of him. The doors closed. He asked for the radio and I told him no. People who call 9-1-1 don't need it. He freaked out when I turned the heater on and muttered about thinking it was the air and he was cold. I feel bad cause I really didn't care. I talked to him about insurance and he said he had none. Stated he paid with cash and I didn't believe him. When asked how he got home from the er he said his grandpa picked him up but would not drive him there. I remember his white socks....he had no shoes I asked why he said he can't wear them. His socks were not too dirty and I didn't believe him. He asked if I was done yelling at him. I guessed I was. We got to the er told the staff his story he was there 3 times over the weekend. He is a drug seeker. They offered him tordal while I was finishing paperwork. I guess he denied it cause by the time I came back he had left. I passed him on the way out and saw him on the phone.... Must have been calling grandpa. I don't think he answered because I saw him walking out a bit later. I never said another word to him.
Later on I ran into a friend who said he just ran a call for a guy who jumped off a bridge and killed himself. It was him.
I feel bad. I wish I had been nicer. I wish I had been more understanding. I wish I would have cared. I don't know what to think from here. It's hard to keep caring when they call nonstop for nothing.....but I think the way I feel now is harder. I keep thinking if only I would have tried harder to help him...to comfort him.....would it have helped? I don't know.
I saw the story on the news.....I saw the pictures....I saw the socks. I should have done more and forgot about the socks because they didn't matter. This call is making me feel sick.

Winnie the pooh

"How does one become a butterfly??"

Pooh asked persively

 

"You must want to fly so much that your willing to give up being a caterpillar,"

piglet replied.......

 

"You mean die??"

Asked pooh

 

"Yes and no" he answered

"What looks like you die but what's REALLY you live on."

 

I am pretty sad today as I have heard of the passing of a friend and coworker's baby girl. Life is so unfair. He has helped so many I really don't understand.

A quick rant

Just wanted to write a short post to say! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH. I am so mad I feel like I am getting sick and I have so much to get done this weekend. I had to work the last couple of days and run calls on non-emergent CRAP! I really can't stand people who have the flu and than decide to call 9-1-1 after having it for three weeks! Why you ask don't they just get in their vehicle and drive there? Because they are usually drug seeking, welfare abusers, and out of there mouths come the words "I WILL GET SEEN FASTER"! I mean really, than get in the back and cough all over everything and not cover your mouth so you can make sure to pass it along to me and my partner! Fn idiots!

Attempted Suicide

Suicide sometimes proceeds from cowardice, but not always; for cowardice sometimes prevents it; since as many live because they are afraid to die, as die because they are afraid to live
I had a very rough childhood full of lies, abuse, and sadness. I have had times that I wanted for it to be over so I can understand the thought of my patients in my next few stories. However I find that suicide is giving up! An easy way out and not fair. especially when you have kids. They don't deserve it.
We got the call yesterday for a hanging. We got to the house and entered to find a younger girl crying talking to the police. She appeared extremely distraught. On the floor in the care of the firemen was a approx 20 year old male. Above the door was a hanging pull up attachment. Hanging from it was a red torn bandana. Apparently the guy took some pills drank some alcohol and tried to hang himself. He lives with his girlfriend they have a school age daughter and she is pregnant again! To me i think he is a coward. He lay on the floor and pretended to be lifeless but he wasn't. He was one of those who want the attention and it was obvious from the beginning or he would not have used licorice as a rope. He had no marks on his neck at all. The guy smelled nothing of alcohol and not a pill in sight. He did not even vomit. I transported the guy to the hospital and he played dead. Once there he kept up his act. A-C-T. Needless to say he was visited by every member of his family and per the staff kept right on playing it up.  He ended being admitted as a 5150. All in all to me he seemed to be attention seeking. If someone wants to commit suicide they do. Bottom Line.
Which brings me to my next call couple of calls...the people who have nine lives. We were dispatched to a call for a vehicle over the side of a cliff. It took us about 20 minutes to get to the scene as it was up in the mountains. We actually had to get out of our ambulance and hike another 10 to the car. We got to the car and found a mid age women. She was still upside down and wearing a seatbelt.The car had severe top damage and passenger space intrusion. I thought she was going to be dead. I thought wrong. She unbuckled her seat belt and proceeded to climb out and say "I'm fine" She had a few lacerations to her face but nothing major. I was able to talk her into transport and placed her in spinal immobilization. We took her to the trauma center....She had no internal injuries at all! Nothing! It wasn't until a few weeks later when we read in the paper what she was trying to do....kill herself. Some people die driving off a 5 foot cliff. She survived a 100 foot cliff. If that doesn't say her time isn't up I dont know what does.
My next story is a man that a friend of mine knows. With all going on in the economy at this time he decided to check out to put it nicely. He too had a wife and kids at home. So the man sets out to the desert with cans of gasoline and a pack of matches. He parks gets out and pours gas all over his truck inside and out including his clothes. He lights the match and it's done. The man wakes up in the hospital 2 weeks later to find a small twisted piece of metal on the bed next to him. The doctor realizing he's awake greets him. The man asks what is this thing and he replies that's what's left of your truck. The man didn't have a burn or scratch on him.
Last but not least the 18th attempt. Code 3 to the psych facility. We arrive to find a woman who took a bedsheet and tied it around her neck and to the door. She was already seizing when we arrived. No one knew how long she was there. We tranported her to the hospital to find out this was her 18th attempt. Her pupils were fixed and dilated and according to doctor's no brain activity noted. 2 days later she was lying in Icu with her family including her young son about 8 years old and they were discussing pulling the plug. When out of nowhere this lady opens her eyes. The doctors came in pull the tube and this lady is 100% normal.
Some people are just not meant to die.

You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

Today was a pretty rough day at work. Our first came early in the morning. It was for a breathing problem. In a nursing home it usually means one of 2 things when it comes that early in the morning. They are either very bad or they have already expired. We arrived in the room to find the latter. An older women dead in her bed. She was still warm but in asystole on the monitor. She was already gone and she had a dnr....basically meaning its over and there is nothing we could do. I would have been okay to accept that however her roomate behind a curtain might I add spoke out when we entered the room. She said I heard her die. I knew she was struggling and I screamed and screamed and no one came......She went on to say that she was a fighter. I had and still have a knot is the best thing i could call it in my heart over what she said. How could a nursing home, How could a person....i don't care how uneducated they act or how many people make excuses for them...how could a human being sit and ignore a person suffocating. It has been hard for me today to accept the fact that that is what we deal with when it comes to these type of places and it's so very sad. It's sad and it's definitely not fair. I could never see a God that would allow this type of behavior to go unjudged and in order for me to let it go and had to realize such...but i still will never understand.