Another day

I worked yesterday 4 am to 4pm. It was a pretty easy day. First call was a man with liver cirrhosis. He was the yellowest man I have ever seen. He truly looked as if he has a spray tan go bad with expired spray :( The other call we had was for a traumatic injury. Two kids were in the parents room and the mom heard a loud crash and came out to find her dresser and large flat screen television has fallen onto the kids. The boy was 3 and he was basically fine. His leg was only stuck and he had a little pain. The girl wasn't that bad either but she was worse. The tv had fallen on her back and neck and she had some pretty good swelling and a laceration to her neck. She cried a lot on scene and en route to the Er fell asleep. They were both very lucky. All to often these random occurence's can be fatal. When we got to the hospital we walked in with a detective and a coroner...When we continued toPeds they followed along. They were there to pick up a baby who had died. It still is bothersome to me even if it wasn't my transport. As I walked by the room the infant lay in I could see the tiny frame of him under the sheet. I had to get out of there. In the last few months I have had all I can take of Death. Especially of the very young. Sometimes it makes me wonder how long I am going to be able to handle it as well as I do. I have had parents of the kids I tried to save stare at me and beg me to save their "baby" All to often I have to continuously remind myself it's not my emergency. But even so I still do so with tears in my eyes. I have all to often sat in Er bays in with tears streaming down my face....I am not sure if this kind of pain ever truly goes away. The hardest part about helping others is knowing when to stop helping them and when start to help yourself. I also have heard of a lot of drownings lately. I being a mother just can't take much more of hearing of them. I literally look at a pool and want to vomit when I think of my own baby. I have definitely realized no matter what that I will never have a large pool as long as I have a child who can't swim. Maybe my job has made me paranoid....maybe that's not a bad thing. I work 3 shifts next week. I pray that God goes easy on me for a little while. I know that they say that God will not give you more then you can handle but sometimes I wish he wouldn't trust me soo much!