It's okay to cry

"Be encouraged. God sees your tears. Cry them, wipe them, feel them, but don't let them stop you. Its possible to cry AND walk." -Kelly Minter

Another day

I worked yesterday 4 am to 4pm. It was a pretty easy day. First call was a man with liver cirrhosis. He was the yellowest man I have ever seen. He truly looked as if he has a spray tan go bad with expired spray :( The other call we had was for a traumatic injury. Two kids were in the parents room and the mom heard a loud crash and came out to find her dresser and large flat screen television has fallen onto the kids. The boy was 3 and he was basically fine. His leg was only stuck and he had a little pain. The girl wasn't that bad either but she was worse. The tv had fallen on her back and neck and she had some pretty good swelling and a laceration to her neck. She cried a lot on scene and en route to the Er fell asleep. They were both very lucky. All to often these random occurence's can be fatal. When we got to the hospital we walked in with a detective and a coroner...When we continued toPeds they followed along. They were there to pick up a baby who had died. It still is bothersome to me even if it wasn't my transport. As I walked by the room the infant lay in I could see the tiny frame of him under the sheet. I had to get out of there. In the last few months I have had all I can take of Death. Especially of the very young. Sometimes it makes me wonder how long I am going to be able to handle it as well as I do. I have had parents of the kids I tried to save stare at me and beg me to save their "baby" All to often I have to continuously remind myself it's not my emergency. But even so I still do so with tears in my eyes. I have all to often sat in Er bays in with tears streaming down my face....I am not sure if this kind of pain ever truly goes away. The hardest part about helping others is knowing when to stop helping them and when start to help yourself. I also have heard of a lot of drownings lately. I being a mother just can't take much more of hearing of them. I literally look at a pool and want to vomit when I think of my own baby. I have definitely realized no matter what that I will never have a large pool as long as I have a child who can't swim. Maybe my job has made me paranoid....maybe that's not a bad thing. I work 3 shifts next week. I pray that God goes easy on me for a little while. I know that they say that God will not give you more then you can handle but sometimes I wish he wouldn't trust me soo much!

Kitty

I am pretty sad today. I found out that our cat named Kitty has died. I guess maybe talking a little about might make me feel better so I guess I will try to remember the good things and annoying things she used to do. You would think me being the big bed Paramedic I am LOL. I would not be so hurt. But Kitty was my first pet and my friend. I adopted Kitty from the pound when she was just a baby. I always wanted a pet and never truly liked cats but I lived in an apartment and hadn't much choice so off I went to the shelter to find a friend. I looked at all the kittens and none really stood out to me. I went to the front and asked if they had any more. The lady told me she actually did and it was a baby girl that she cared for in her home and would just about ready to be adopted. She said her name was Rocky. I met Kitty and at once I knew she was the one for me and so I adopted her and took her home. I always wanted a snuggly pet and it's funny because Kitty just wasn't a snuggler :) I accepted it. Kitty and me had a love/hate relationship form the beginning. She shed everywhere, she clawed my new chair, she ruined countless screens but even though I still loved her. We moved a few times with Kitty and every time she just accepted the new location. She never really complained and never ran away. She knew we were her family. We also had a bearded dragon for awhile and a funny kinda traumatizing story happened one day when kitty tried to get the dragon. I caught her a yelled and she jumped up the screen and then the screen fell off. Kitty fell 2 stories and landed in a bush. She was okay. It was one of the only night she slept in her cat bed. We lived in places I worried about her getting hit by a car but it never happened. We worried about her getting in someones car and them accidently taking her away but that to never happened. The last time Kitty was missing was for about 24 hour and I found her in my car. She had even tried to claw her way out......the claw marks still remain. Well recently since we have moved Kitty has not done to much. She has matured from the scratching and had become a real devoted companion. We even took her to audition for the meow mix cat show. I could say her name 50 times and she always replied with a raspy little "meow". She rarely went outside and when she did it was either in the garage or on the porch. Which is why I am soo saddened with the way she died. Our neighbor and a coworker of mine found her in his yard. She was obviously attacked by what was probably a coyote. Not much was left. I don't even know where her collar is.....I miss her soo much. I found a couple poems i thought might make me feel a little better.

Last Night

I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.

I could see that you were crying, You found it hard to sleep.

I meowed to you softly as you brushed away a tear,

"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."

I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,

You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me.

I was with you at the shops today, Your arms were getting sore.

I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.

I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care.

I want to re-assure you, that I'm not lying there.

I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.

I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said " it's me."

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.

I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.

It's possible for me, to be so near you everyday.

To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."

You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...

In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning

and say "good-night, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,

I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.

I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.

Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.

To Love Again

Oh what unhappy twist of fate

Has brought you homeless to my gate,

The gate where once another stood

To beg for shelter warmth and food?


For from that day I ceased to be

The master of my destiny,

While she, with purr and velvet paw

Became within my house the law.


She scratched the furniture and shed

And claimed the middle of my bed,

She ruled in arrogance and pride

And broke my heart the day she died.


So if you really think, oh cat

I'd willingly relive all that,

Because you come forlorn and thin

Well don't just stand there - come on in!
I will always love and miss my Kitty Precious Rip-July 12 2010

On the edge

Okay yesterday was like the longest day at work....EVER. We were on our way to a call and while going to the call there was a detour sign where the road obviously didn't go through due to construction. As we are driving the "detour" we suddenly realized we were in a full on construction zone....As we were looking for a place to turn around we had 2 options. go up or go down. To me up seemed the reasonable explanation and there was only one way we could go over and exit out. My partner however a new EMT decided he was not going to listen to me and took the other route. As we started to go that way I realized that on both edges of the small man made road we were on were pretty steep. I told him to stay in the middle and we would be fine. He was going to fast at least in my opinion and veered right and into the soft sand we went. I really thought we were going to roll. And to make matters worse our ambulance was brand spanken new....2010! Anyway we were able to both exit safely through the driver side door. Which took me about 5 minutes to get the guts to do it. I really though if i moved we were going over.....I had no choice i took off my seat belt and escaped :) After getting out I realized the two driver side tires were 6 inches off the ground. If an earthquake hit it Probably would have went over. We then sat there for 2 hours waiting for the tow truck and another 1 1/2 waiting for the tow truck man attempt to pull it out. He was even scared of tipping it. Needless to say I learned my lesson and I will never again attempt to detour on a dirt road!! We were out there so long I got a sunburn!!

I have no words after watching......So Sad :(