Butterfly

In time past then future death can't tell what color skin, shape, nor size an individual has in life. It never matters what you do, where you live, who you help, or who you love.
There were may butterflies in one area of a flower, all different from one another, but bleed the same also die the same. One butterfly wanted to get to know another but the other butterfly was many of colors in which treated the other badly. The butterfly which had no color flew away very sad. Knowing this feeling in life, she knew the best place to be is in mother's arms. Which the sad butterfly went, as the mother explained that all other in the world have different outlooks on new things in life, and that no matter what's been said or the nose of the other in the air. Just remember they are the one's lacking something in their life. Now go and play my beautiful butterfly. I can't pretend these tears are not overflowing steadily. I can't prevent this hurt from almost overtaking me. But will stand and say goodbye. For you will never be mine until you know the way it feels to fly. Spread your wings and prepare to fly for you have become a butterfly. Fly into the sky and if you should return to me we were truly meant to be. So spread your wings and fly butterfly. When you love someone so deeply they become they become your life. It's easy to succumb to the overwhelming fears inside. Blindly I imagined I could keep you under glass. Now I understand to hold you, I must open my hands and watch you rise.I have learned that beauty has to flourish in the light. Wild horses run unbridled or their spirit dies. You have given me the courage to be all that I can be, and I truly feel your heart will lead you back to me. When your ready to land. So flutter through the heavens beautiful butterfly.

Tired of doing nothing all day

Longest weekend ever!! Not sure why maybe the fact that we sat at home ALL day and did nothing! Oh well at least I caught up on all my shows. I have to work tomorrow. I hope it will be an easy stress free day. I do however have to wake up at 3:30 am. It kinda gets tough to sleep though when I know I don't have long to do so. I guess I will make the most of it and hey you never know sometimes I go in to work and get to sleep most of the morning. It is however while my partner is driving around in countless circles because Mike is dispatching :) I won't complain though sleep is sleep and having a 1 year old I am used to waking at the crack of dawn! Well I am rambling now so I guess I better try to get to bed. Wish me luck tomorrow I definitely will need it.....for some reason I have a dark cloud that follows me once I get to work.

Anthoer poem

Sorry if we woke you in the middle of the night but someone in your neighborhood is fighting for their life. Sorry if we block the road and make you turn around but there's been a bad wreck with dying children on the ground. When you see us coming you'll understand. Let us have the right of way someone needs a helping hand. Sometimes a child is chocking sometimes a broken leg. Sometimes a heart stops beating, and we got there to late. So if you see us crying when we think we are alone you'll know we had a "bad" one and were feeling mighty low. We don't do it for the money - you know it's not much that we get paid. We don't do it for the glory but for a life that might get saved. Somewhere deep within us our souls are crying out "We are here to help our neighbors in their hour of pain and doubt." God gave us something special to help us see you through, we do it because we are needed and we care about you too.

Broken Heart

Today i met a man and today i watched him die. i sat with his 15 year old son for over an hour and tried to comfort him. He didn't know he was dead. I knew he was laying lifeless in the next room as the doctors and nurses were pounding on his chest. It was too late I already knew from the moment we moved him on the hospital bed and his heart stopped i knew it was his end...they rarely come back from that and no matter how many prayers I said the 37 year old man was dead. The call was for a man with chest pain at the park we arrived pretty quickly right behind the Ontario engine. The man was sitting in a chair around some friends. He was pale and very sweaty. He had been playing basketball...he was not very big. I complained to my partner when we received he call. I hate chest pain calls usually. The are almost always very overweight and usually are fine. When I saw him I knew something was wrong. On the calls like these is when it all goes wrong. Poor iv attempt. So diaphoretc the patches wont stick.....and his friends so loud echoing our ears in the backround. We had to leave. We took his son because he was alone, his last time with his dad alive. We tried our best to treat him and comfort him the best we knew how. He just wasn't comfortable...he was dying...He threw up everywhere even on my watch but even with impending death he was apologetic. All I know of him I learned as I watched him die. He cared about his looks..I cleaned the throw up off his face...He never asked if he was going to die..they often do I hate to admit it I was glad he didn't ask. I looked for his kids later they handled it well. they were very young it was hard on me to watch him die I'm not sure why. I had to hold back tears as a watched his son hear the news the Dr gave him the news I didn't want to give.....his dad was dead...sometimes you do all you can and they die anyway.

Paramedic Poem

When the Lord made EMT's and Paramedics, he was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."

And the Lord said, "Have you read the specs on this order? An EMS provider has to be able to carry an injured person up a wet, grassy hill in the dark, dodge stray bullets to reach a dying child unarmed, enter homes the health inspector wouldn't touch, and not wrinkle their uniform."

"They have to be able to lift 3 times their own weight, crawl into wrecked cars with barely enough room to move, and console a grieving mother as they are doing CPR on a baby they know will never breathe again."

"They have to be in top mental condition at all times, running on no sleep, black coffee and half-eaten meals. And they have to have six pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head slowly and said, "Six pairs of hands...no way."

"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord, "It's the three pairs of eyes a medic has to have."

"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.

The Lord nodded. "One pair that sees open sores as they're drawing blood and asks the patient if they may be HIV positive," (when they already know and wish they'd taken that accounting job.) Another pair here in the side of the head for their partners' safety. And another pair of eyes here in front that can look supportively at a frightened person and gently explain that their spouse of many years has departed this life."

"Lord," said the angel, touching his sleeve, "rest and work on this tomorrow."

"I can't," said the Lord, "I already have a model that can talk a 250 pound drunk out from behind a steering wheel without incident and feed a family of five on a private service paycheck."

The angel circled the model of the medic very slowly, "Can it think?" she asked.

"You bet," said the Lord. "It can tell you the symptoms of 100 illnesses; recite drug calculations in its sleep; intubate, defibrillate, medicate, and continue CPR nonstop over terrain that any doctor would fear...and still it keeps its sense of humor. This medic also has phenomenal personal control. He can deal with a multi-victim trauma, coax a frightened elderly person to unlock their door, comfort an assault victim's family, and then read an article in the daily paper about responders being too slow to locate a house (a house which had no street sign and no house numbers.)"

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the medic. "There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model."

"That's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."

"What's the tear for?" asked the angel.

"It's for bottled-up emotions, for patients they've tried in vain to save, for commitment to that hope that they will make a difference in a person's chance to survive, for seeing an accident victim walk again, for the family time they will miss while serving the community, for life."

"You're a genius," said the angel.

The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there," He said.

Motorcycle Down

Now I shall tell you the story of the man I killed. We received the call to a motorcycle down. We arrived on scene to find the man halfway under a car. Apparently he decided he was going to drive around the turning car as he was coming down from the mountain. Well the car turned left and he hit it. He was going way too fast. He never had a chance. But I wished he did. I wanted to save him. I wanted him to thank me and most of all I wanted to not feel the way I did six months after he died. We got him out of under the car. I particularly remember the BLS firemen asking me what I wanted to do and I said lets get him out. He immediately turned to me and said I cant breath. On his face he wore a pediatric non rebreathing mask I switched it to an adult. It didn't really matter. He kept yelling at me I cant breath over and over. I began working on him. I started an iv. The cop came over and asked to talk to him I told him you can try and he was incomprehensible. I began to breath for him. I watched him speak his last words and I watched him take his last breath. I intubated him. I started a needle thoracostomy which in lay mans terms is a needle in his chest that enters his lung to relieve pressure. His lungs were full of blood. The blood ran up his intubation tube and he didn't have a chance His heart stopped beating. We began CPR. He never came back. He drowned in his own blood. At the hospital we found his id and illegal drugs in his pocket he was only 42. I didn't kill him he killed himself.

The start of My Paramedic book

Today I ran a suicide. A 41 year old man dove face first off a bridge. How very sad he must have been to be able to dive off a bridge. How much emptiness did he possess in his soul? Will somebody miss him or is he all alone. Maybe still trying to get over the death of someone else. Someone he loved. A child, a wife, or maybe a mother. He probably died on impact. Someone witnessed it to. What drove his life to this? Was he a father? Did he have a brother? He was someone's son. He is dead now I bet he already made it to the morgue. Who will tell his family? Did he have a family? Does it matter anymore at all? Who will make his funeral arrangements will they bury him or cremate him. Will they be able to afford it? Does it really matter the fact is he is dead.

This is the question I ask myself everyday working as a paramedic. It's supposed to be a heroic job. I mean saving lives. But do we really save anybody or do we scar ourselves. The wounded taking care of the wounded. Will i ever forget what I saw today. A man laying in a wash face down with blood draining from his head. The worst part is I wanted to see it. Does that make me morbid? Maybe but isn't everyone in this field.. My partner was just as interested. We tried to take pictures but who wants to see that. We do but we already did we were there. But the question I really want to know is did he see us? Maybe he was a ghost standing on the bridge watching us pull his broken body away from the water that potentially washed away his soul.

Being a paramedic is a busy job it's a long job its grueling and we miss meals and miss sleep and we miss our families. We spent hours sitting in parking lots and in hospital bays. I cant tell you have many times I hear everyday you are on bed delay. Can you imagine sitting in an er for 3 hours while your patient who has toe pain and whines and demands treatment. Oh the headache. Sometimes you just want to say shut up. But we cant cause we care and it is our job. But sometimes after you watch somebody die you don't care if someone stubbed there to last week. You want the day to end. Then it gets worse when you get that call 30 minutes before your off time and its for a trauma. You know your going far and you know it will be a mess. You also know you will pick up the pieces. But who will pick up your pieces when you potentially pass out of sleep deprivation. Just kidding. I only work 12 hour shifts.

Most the time I work with the same person everyday. Everyday for 12 hours in the cab of a van. Sometimes you get lucky and get a good partner. Other times you work with one of satan's demons. Will they drive to fast or to slow? Sometimes I wonder how I get there alive or get there at all. I try to have patience I don't have a lot but I try. But when I hear that same song on the radio for the fifth time cause its there favorite its takes everything not to scream or shoot them.

Tell me what you think of this as the start of a book

An online sorta diary

I decided to open a blog because I need a sort of outlet. I have been under a lot of stress lately and feel my job might have a lot to do with it. I think it gets tougher the more years you are a Paramedic....I mean I have seen so much sadness and heartache. Maybe this will allow me to learn to deal with it better :)